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No Alternative Dream

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Cranberries are beter [May. 14th, 2034|03:26 am]
No Alternative Dream
So I am sitting at home, about 45 minutes after last call. The bartender said " You don't have to go home but you can't stay here"- I asked about the after party but it was "close friends only, buddy"

Seeing as I have very few close friends, I guess I wasn't invited. I don't really know what the fuck to tyhink about things, really. Life is lonely. I am a good person. I have a good heart and plenty of money. Why do I spend all my time alone? I havn't met anyone who wants to be around me.

I just downloaded the complete cranberries, its good. makes me feel worse about life, though. I don't want sympathy, I want someone to be here with me. I don't know why I'm reaching out through the computer. I will reach out in real life if I can.

Thank you livejournal for listening to my problems. I hope you die.

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Nothing Doing [Mar. 15th, 2034|12:18 am]
No Alternative Dream
I am discontent with online dating. I wanted to post an message on craigslist about it, but how fucking impotent is that. If you can't be game about something than stop playing. I need to learn to be more outgoing, to conquer my fear. There is nothing to lose, death is inevetable and the world will probably end before that anyway. Just be cavaler.

Thats all I really wanted to say. I am depressed by online dating but in general feeling good. A little sad today but nothing too big. Need to eat more vegetables.

The End.
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Long Time No See (Feb 7 2006) [Feb. 7th, 2034|10:06 pm]
No Alternative Dream
So, I recently came back to LJ after a long absence to find a person, and I thought I'd make an update while I'm here.

I'm doing good, I'm still living in Portland and I've been really enjoying the good weather we've had the last few days. I just got back from southern oregon where I planted 60 trees with my parents. We're making an edible hedgerow featuring evergreens, nitrogen fixing trees and shrubs and such delights as blue, black, and ras berrys, hops, grapes, kiwi and goumi! also planted some holly and made plans to get 60+ more trees to fill in the row and other spots around their property. The first part of the row is 180 feet long, with another 200 feet to be included eventualy.

I've got a bunch of my own projects going here in PDX, including trying to meet new people. As I'm sure many of my long time aqauintances know I'm a bit of an introvert (but then aren't most people on LJ? Marvel at the isolating quality of our telecomunications technology!) so I've resorted to posting a personals ad in the local rag. After getting a couple replys I actualy feel pretty good about it, I guess if this suck ass technology has to exist it might as well serve to meet me some new friends!

I've also got a thriving garden, and I'm expanding it! I'm going to be trading people gardern or whatever kind of work in exchange for trees and perinianls! Should be great. I'm also hoping to move into a bigger house soon. I'm overfilling this one with beer making, plants and other various projects, and my sister just moved in with me so I really could use the room. We'll see how it all pans out.

I'm really intrested in Peak Oil and resource issue now, I just got back from a meeting on the subject. It was really great, the subject was fear. It was a group discussion, not a lecture and I found it really intresting mostly for the dynamic that was present. A group of people talking about their fears can border on breaking the normal calm social rules. I would call it "charged."

I'm glad to see that many of my old LJ frinds are still here and posting. Royaboya, astarchild, dueserpenti, respectingtrees, seppuku_files, spectralcoyote, starvetheangels, taddypole, and sorry if I missed anyone.

Anyway, I'll be off now. I spent alot of time on LJ being very depressed and it sucked. I find much more happiness reflecting on things besides myself. Not that I avoid self reflection, but I tend towards deppresion when I hang out here alot.

And with than, goodbye for now, LJ!
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Letter to Charles [Apr. 6th, 2033|05:05 pm]
No Alternative Dream
Hey, whats up?
Haven't been online very much recently, hope to get a computer soon and then I'll be around more. Anyway, Adam and Amanda are getting married. I don't know what else is going on. I suppose it looks like I'm going to breakup with, or at least separate from, Sylvian, my doll of 3 years. The forth was mary's 19th birthday, she's staying with me on her way back down from canada. Christine Sinderson is apparently happily married and has two kids, really enjoying the mother thing. Havn't heard from anybody else recently. I don't know if you knew elly that well (it was a long time ago) but she and ted got back together and then broke up again, Ted doing the dumping this time, and going back to his ex-fiance Liz. A real blow to elly. She's also having a brest reduction. I think you met Malia, right? Or at least were in communication with her. She seems to be working in the same circles, Coffee shop job and SRJC. It sounds like she is about to go on a big trip though. That seems like something that would be a lot of fun, and very good for her. Hopefuly she'll be able to stop by Portland on her travels.
I have a question: Where is it that you are exactly? Obviously at college somewhere, and on the east coast, I gather, but where? We havn't spoken in a long time, really. You should drop me a line sometime. Hope this finds you well.

PS: I have been seriously contemplating getting skulls tattoed on the insides of my wrists, clearly the idea was yours first. If I go through with it I hope you won't take offense, I only mean respect. Really I'd like to do it for the same reasons you did, because life is too short to fuck about with distractions. We have to get right to the marrow of it, stare directly into it. We can flinch, but not look away.
One other thing is that I am trying to evolve a stone reading technique. I Would read runes but I want something more organic that I am connected to. I don't know what your feeling on the subject are, but if you are still interested I would enjoy working something out with you, or at least speaking on the subject.

Anyway. I hope to hear from you, old friend, and I hope this finds you well.
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Life is OK [Mar. 4th, 2033|10:07 am]
No Alternative Dream
I am alive, and life is OK.
I am tired today so I don't want to worry about journaling properly with sentences and meaningful paragraphs. Just got off work, you see. I also don't want to go into too much detail, I guess there are a lot of things I could say, but I have no inclination for most of them. I am tired of working, and I think I need to be more aware of my own mortality. Life ends in death, and mine is just over the hills, rushing at me more quickly than I can imagine. If I looked up from my day to day strugles I would see the glow on the horizon. What would I do if I was aware that each moment is totaly irreplceable? Not that I want to hold onto every one, but I don't want to throw away days, weeks, years with employment. For what? So I can break even? The substance of my life will not be work. I will not fit myself into the weekends.

The way ahead is difficult. It is genuinely hard to change your way of life, to chalange accepted practice. But the risk of stagnentcy is too high to just let myself be swept along.

Anyway, I love all of you. Write me back charles, I miss you.
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people who admired... [Nov. 3rd, 2032|12:49 pm]
No Alternative Dream
So, as is usualy the case, I am only posting because things are going badly. Here's the skinny: I was fired on tuesday, about 25 days after signing a year lease on a fairly expensive place. The greater of two evils won. Isn't that sweet? is there a 35% better chance that this post is being monitored?
Maby this is good. To be perfectly honest with you, I don't know. Things are changing. Give me a call, any of you. Love to talk.
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Angry young man [Oct. 4th, 2032|08:49 pm]
No Alternative Dream
70 hours of work in a week is too goddamn much and I am angry at the poor planning that led to that. I am angry and unsure. Have we rushed into things too fast? Are we going to make it? Is it worth the sacrifices? Goddamn us, each and everyone! AAAARRRGGG!
I just wish I could get wasted but I have to go to work. Everyday. Fuck.
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Suicide is Painless (now I can see) [Sep. 13th, 2032|07:31 pm]
No Alternative Dream
Actualy I am doing fine. But did you know that's the m*a*s*h theme song? And not a bad song at that.
Lots of things have happened. I got rid of my night job, and got another. Now I'm making $11/hr and working from 10 to 6 (in the day!). Its great so far. Its a little ways off, takes me 35 minutes on the bus and 10 -15 on a bike, and I just know thats going to suck once it starts to rain all the time. With that kind of money I should be able to get a car before too long, or at least fix up my motorcycle.

And I'm getting settled into the house. We'll be moving out in 2 months, hopefuly. Steven and Lee, the married couple we live with, are incapable of keeping their drama in check. Sylvian primarly, but also myself, is getting of waiting for them to break up and force us out on one months notice. So we'll leave and they will have to make a decision. Who really cares at that point though, right?
To be honest I have been less than impressed with them since I moved in. Both are whining bitches incapable of following through on their rhetoric and unable to focus on anyone but themselves. Shortsighted dishonest and lazy. And while they can be fun to hangout with, lasting back pain because Steven decides to attack me and put his arm around my neck and his knee in my back (as one example), is not fun. That bitching aside, I am excited to have my own space with sylvian. I didn't want us to live seperatly and I was unsure about moving into a household of people I don't know, and so we are going to try and get a duplex or cottage. That way I can still make beer and things, and we will both be able to afford it.

Thats about all. I feel pretty happy.
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is it really? [Aug. 24th, 2032|06:53 am]
No Alternative Dream
Drinking again in the morning, and I don't know why I'm not in bed yet. (hello)
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eco-friendly my ass, you stinking capitalist pigs [Aug. 22nd, 2032|08:57 pm]
No Alternative Dream
I slept 15 hours and its off to work in 2. Ah, time.
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